Tony: Emily and I have done a lot of training for our adoption. We've read a lot of blogs, articles, and some books to help us prepare for what's to come. One big thing we've learned we need to prepare for are the awkward questions and statements we'll get as adoptive parents. Even though our girls are not home yet we've already experienced some.
"Are they real sisters?"
"Do you have any kids of your own?"
"Aren't you nervous about walking around with them?"
"Will you love them like your own?"
"So...you can't have kids of your own?"
"God is going to bless you now."
"How much did they cost?"
"That’ll slow you down."
Emily: Although no family appears exempt from blunt, nosy and ignorant remarks or questions (are you single parents and families of special needs individuals nodding your head?), adoptive families are another type that seem especially likely to hear them. Most people wouldn't dare ask a pregnant couple specifics about how they conceived, how long they've tried, if they think they saved enough money to get pregnant, if they'll love their child no matter what or how much of the cost their insurance picked up. However, very private or poorly worded questions have been thrown our way. These are a few of the questions and comments Tony and I have encountered and my thoughts on them.
So are you going to have any of your own children?
Ugh! I've been warned about this one. Just so we’re clear, every child who enters our family is our child. The girls are our own children and soon we’ll have the papers to prove it! I think the word that people are searching for is biological. Asking this question makes it sound as if our adopted children would hold a lesser status in our family than a biological child. Just thought you should know.
Is their mother dead?
Whoa! That’s not only blunt, it’s deeply personal. Questions about relinquishment and abandonment in various forms “Why was she given up?” or “Is their father in jail” should be off limits to most individuals. Some families don’t wish to share and others won’t know the answers to these questions. I think this inquiry puts people in an awkward situation. Although we do know more about the girls' birth family than many parents who adopt internationally, we’ve reserved information like this for private conversations. Please do not ask me this from the entrance to my work cubical.
In reference to us adopting two girls:
Are they giving you a discount?
This question came up a couple of times right after we shared that we would be adopting not only our 2-year-old, but our 8-year-old as well. I've got to tell you, when phrased this way it sounds like you’re referring to our children as a purchase. Let me be clear…although there are costs involved (just as there are with child birth), we are not buying children. We’re not getting a “discount” or “two for one.” If you are truly asking us about the cost of adoption then that information is available online. For those who have been interested in helping us with the financial aspects of our adoption we have been pretty transparent about our needs. As for specific information about our financial commitment, in the same way that others treat their finances, that information has been reserved for close family and friends. However, we may make an exception for someone who is looking to us for help as they prepare to adopt a child someday.
Are they real sisters?
Our girls are obviously sisters because we’re adopting them both. Using the term ‘real’ is ridiculous, as if my daughters would be ‘pretend’ or ‘fake’ sisters. Again, the word missing here is biological. Yet even then the underlying message in this question is that there is a difference between biological and adoptive siblings. If you don’t know a family well and you’re not privy to much of their children’s adoption story I’d suggest staying away from this question, no matter how curious you are.
You should have gotten a boy….then you’d have one of each.
Really?! That's what came to mind when you heard the news? You obviously do not know the series of amazing events that lead us to two wonderful daughters. Even though adoptions appear to come with so many "choices" we did not simply "pick" them. They are most certainly chosen and so are we, but it's much more complex than a statement like that implies. Biological babies are not picked out of a cabbage patch and neither are adopted children. A kind response to learning that we are adopting two girls is something along the lines of ... how wonderful!
Ok, you’re done now, right? No more kids?
Huh? Are you that exhausted by the news that we're adopting not one child, but two? Large families (and personally I don't think a family of 4 is a large family) and small families are both wonderful. That's all I have to say about this.
In reference to us adopting instead of getting pregnant:
At least you don’t have deal with throwing up and stuff.
Oh yeah, this is way easier! We only had to fill out paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork, invite a social worker into our home days after moving in for an inspection, be interviewed multiple times, answer hundreds of very personal questions, complete medical exams, pray that people are buying our pitch that we’ll be great, wonderful, super hero parents!, empty our savings account, humble ourselves and ask people to support us financially, take classes on adoption, then more classes, get finger printed, have multiple background checks, wait for more approval, listen to many people tell us how to parent, all with nice smiles trying to hide the fact that we feel like we’re going insane these days! If that seems easier, then sure. Now I've never been pregnant so I can’t and won’t say that adoption is harder, but I know people who have been through pregnancy and adoption and I don’t think they would tell you it’s taking the easy way. When people point out all the stuff I’m not experiencing because of our choice to adopt rather than get pregnant it doesn't feel encouraging. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to a person who also struggled with infertility. Let’s focus on what the adoption experience brings to the table, not what it leaves off.
So you two can’t have kids?
So you just made an assumption about my uterus or Tony's little swimmers. I've never said that to anyone, although sometimes those are the smart responses that travel my brain while I bite my tongue or Tony gives me a 'warning touch' to the back. Families arrive at adoption in a variety of ways. People make the decision to adopt after having birth children, because they cannot have birth children, before they have tried to have birth children, because they are single, etc.
In reference to us adopting internationally:
Why would you adopt internationally instead of through foster care?
Just so you are aware, requesting that someone justify how their dearly loved child became their own is so insensitive. I feel that this question is judgmental. All children are of value and deserve a family. We should focus on supporting adoptive families, not challenging their patriotism or compassion for their community. And families adopting internationally are not off the hook here. We need to support/respect families who adopt domestically and choose foster care. Children near and far need families, period. Can’t we just all get along?
Tony: An adoptive mother shared her experiences with us during an afternoon training session and I'll never forget how she spoke about adoption. She is adamant about always portraying adoption through a loving heart. So when she explained how she answers these awkward questions and responds to intrusive or rude statements I was sure to take diligent notes. The time has already come when I need to start applying what I've learned. The biggest thing I took away is that I'll have to give every person the benefit of the doubt that what they're saying might be different than what they're asking. Does that make sense? For example, when someone asks us if we can't have kids, I will assume they are trying to ask, "how did you two arrive at adoption?" or maybe even "have you and Emily struggled with infertility?" although that second question is still a bold question and I think it's inappropriate to ask maybe about 80% of the time...it's better than saying, "so...you can't have kids?" Sometimes the comments are even more innocent than that. The example used by the adoptive mother in our training was a time when a woman came up to her and her daughter (adopted from China) who was seated in a stroller. The woman exclaimed, "Oh, she is soo lucky!" The adoptive mother admitted in the moment she wanted to go off about all that was wrong with that comment, but instead she replied through clenched teeth, "Why do you say that?" The other woman answered with a smile, "Because you have to walk and she gets to be pushed!" The mother who shared this story really drove home the idea that we should always consider the thought behind the comment or seek the true question within the question before assuming lack of respect from another person.
The one thing Emily and I have heard the most so far is someone asking, "are they real sisters?" I really have to bite my tongue on this one. Again, while trying to be slow to judge, we answer as kindly as possible, "well, they're both our daughters...so yes, but they are biological sisters as well." *sigh* Some people just have trouble thinking before speaking...including me, but it's something I've been working on for quite sometime. In fact, this adoption is growing us in this area. I try to ask, "will what I'm about to say portray my faith/Jesus correctly?" "Will what I'm about to post on (insert social media site) offend anyone?" I don't always remember to do this and don't always come to right conclusions, but being more aware is a step in the right direction.
Tony and Emily
Just so you are aware, requesting that someone justify how their dearly loved child became their own is so insensitive. I feel that this question is judgmental. All children are of value and deserve a family. We should focus on supporting adoptive families, not challenging their patriotism or compassion for their community. And families adopting internationally are not off the hook here. We need to support/respect families who adopt domestically and choose foster care. Children near and far need families, period. Can’t we just all get along?
Tony: An adoptive mother shared her experiences with us during an afternoon training session and I'll never forget how she spoke about adoption. She is adamant about always portraying adoption through a loving heart. So when she explained how she answers these awkward questions and responds to intrusive or rude statements I was sure to take diligent notes. The time has already come when I need to start applying what I've learned. The biggest thing I took away is that I'll have to give every person the benefit of the doubt that what they're saying might be different than what they're asking. Does that make sense? For example, when someone asks us if we can't have kids, I will assume they are trying to ask, "how did you two arrive at adoption?" or maybe even "have you and Emily struggled with infertility?" although that second question is still a bold question and I think it's inappropriate to ask maybe about 80% of the time...it's better than saying, "so...you can't have kids?" Sometimes the comments are even more innocent than that. The example used by the adoptive mother in our training was a time when a woman came up to her and her daughter (adopted from China) who was seated in a stroller. The woman exclaimed, "Oh, she is soo lucky!" The adoptive mother admitted in the moment she wanted to go off about all that was wrong with that comment, but instead she replied through clenched teeth, "Why do you say that?" The other woman answered with a smile, "Because you have to walk and she gets to be pushed!" The mother who shared this story really drove home the idea that we should always consider the thought behind the comment or seek the true question within the question before assuming lack of respect from another person.
Emily: We share these questions/remarks not to belittle the individuals that have gone there, but to take advantage of an opportunity to talk about the language surrounding adoption. We don't want people to go all crazy P.C. and become afraid to talk with us about adoption or our family or our children. You don't have to lower your voice when you say 'black' around us or our African children (who are indeed black) and you don't have to pretend you don't notice our transracial family and feel like you can't ask any specifics about our adoption process. Instead, we really just want people to know how the questions or comments listed above sound to us as well as many adoptive parents (I know we're not alone in this). Also, we never want to tell people that they must only say supportive things to us if they in fact do not support our choices, that would be a lie, and mincing words wouldn't do a very good job hiding that anyway. However, we would love it if people would ask what they really want to know without Tony or I having to read the real question through abrasive phrasing. We would also love it if people would somehow resist crossing a line when it comes to privacy, no matter how curious they are. Again, Tony and I don't want to trash talk anyone, and I'm sure we're just as guilty of poorly worded remarks as the next person (especially when it comes to the unfamiliar), so if you've seen yourself in one of the examples above do not worry.....we're not moping around here at home. You see, we're cut from the same cloth. I want to be free from offending others, but I'm not. I want to always have the right words, but I don't. I've probably (ok, most definitely) said things that accidentally offended. Most times others have probably brushed it off, just like Tony and I attempt to do. How about we all agree to try harder and think longer before talking and give lots of grace when on the receiving end of an ignorant remark/question. Also, let's be sure to talk about differences; differences in family, beliefs, parenting, relationships, etc. Then we'll all learn together.
Just for fun check out the video below. Hopefully everyone can get a laugh out of it. Humans....we're so awkward!
Just for fun check out the video below. Hopefully everyone can get a laugh out of it. Humans....we're so awkward!
Tony and Emily
I am the mom of four (which I now believe IS a large family) and we've gotten most of these questions since bringing our two adopted kids home. Since we already have two biological kids, those questions we don't get a lot of fertility questions. The one I've had to deal with the most is international vs. domestic. Like you, I feel like every kid deserves a loving home, so it shouldn't make any difference that these came from across an ocean. It's just logistics.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! The fertility questions have actually been the most shocking to me, but only because it seems SO bold. I mean, I like bold people, but I guess I prefer they channel said boldness in a more positive way. Take care and thanks for reading! -Tony
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